i have been spending a lot of time with the boy, but i don't think we're gonna be any more than friends.

i'm not going to nursing school.

thinking about going back to amsterdam for a year.

in the meantime, i'm gonna be competing ballroom dancing professionally.

God is good.

my boss has been outta town for the past week. which means i have been with the kids for the past week. all three of them- a 7 year old, a 9 year old, and 30 year old. the last of which is sometimes more of a child than her own children. just to clarify, my boss has custody of her two grandkids, and i work for her. her daughter is a needy, whiny, former drug addict/alcoholic who doesn't know how to take care of her kids, but yet calls herself a good mother. i love these two boys like they were my own. i spend way more time with them, and take way better care of them. for example, last week both boys were sick, and in turn made me, their mom, and my boss sick. logic would say you wouldn't mention it to these young kids that they made you sick. especially not the youngest one who is extremely sensitive and cannot stand the thought of anyone being mad or upset or disappointed in him. so his mom walks in the door thursday night, and the first thing she says, after having to chase her youngest son down is "hey, hey, hey, i have to thank you for something. hey i have to thank you, i need to thank you for this great cough you've given me." her child turns to her with a horrified look on his face and screams, " i did not! i did not give that to you" he looks at me, "tell her i didn't give that to her corie!" she then just laughed, and her child ran to another room.. seriously! who would say that to a child, much less your own!?!? so when my boss is outta town, she whines and complains to me about your life. about how frustrated she is cause she hasn't had sex in weeks, and no matter how many bars she goes to she can't find a descent man. she's 30 years old partying like a 19 year old. makes me sick and so sad for the kids. they need a mom, but they don't need her. when she is here to spend time with them, she stays on her phone on facebook. and she knows i have one, and i told her not to friend me cause i wouldn't accept. shocked her with that one i think. and i mean i am nice to her for the sake of the boys. they love her, i think they actually feel sorry for her. and this weekend i learned that her oldest son has been giving her some of his allowance every week. and she takes it! how sad it is he feels he has to help take care of her.

now as much as i love these kids, and as much as i love my job, i am seriously burnt out at the moment. i really need a break or i will lose my mind, or worse, say or do something i will regret with the kids. i've been here for nearly two years, and i've literally had about a total of 4 weeks off. and not all at the same time. i'm looking into doing something different but i know that my boss doesn't want me to leave or change how much i work. i'm actually looking into becoming a CNA. but that would mean i couldn't work as much with the kids. i mean i don't wanna quit, but to slow down would be great. and doing something different in the medical field would be perfect, even it is cleaning up after nurses and wiping peoples asses.

what makes this worse is the fact that i might have to move in with them. our lease is up at the end of september, and i have been looking for an apartment since the beginning of the summer. i've even tried looking for a roommate on craigslist, but the few people that i met i would never want to live with. and i can't afford to live anywhere else at the moment. i mean the places i can afford are places i would never wanna live.

so, i'm gonna talk to my boss soon about everything. i mean she already knows how i feel about her daughter. but idk what to do about the CNA thing, moving, working, everything. but God has always had this funny way of putting everything together perfectly right at the last moment. just when i think nothing is gonna work out, it all works out perfectly within a short time. i'm trusting that's gonna happen again, i just gotta make sure i take all the right steps to do what He wants me to and be where He wants me.

so what is a best friend?  to me it's someone you can call when you need them, someone who knows all about you- the good, the bad, the ugly, someone who will listen, who will put away what they're doing if you need them.  if i were to call them and say, "i need you.  i need to talk."  they would say, "i'm in the middle of something, but you're more important."  i mean i understand if i just wanna talk just to talk, then sure, don't let me interrupt what you're doing.  but when i say "I NEED YOU"  it's different.  obviously i need to share something.  am i wrong?  am i expecting too much?  i mean i sure as hell do that for people that are not who i consider my "best friend"  so is it too much?  are my expectations unrealistic?

maybe it's a gender thing.  ya see, my bff is a guy.  who i love more than anything in the whole world.  he knows everything about me- the good, the bad, the ugly- he knows the truth.  i'm real with him.  more real than i am with anyone else in my life.  but it hasn't happend once, or even twice, it's happend several times that i need him.  i need to talk, to pour my heart out, to let someone in on the ugliness i'm experiencing.  but he's busy.  but when he calls me, i drop whatever i am doing to talk to him.  not cause i'm romantically interested, NOT AT ALL.  like i said, i love this person, but i am never, ever, ever gonna marry him.  and if one day i decide i might want to, you remind me of this blog, and smack me square in the face.  i hereby give you permission.  whoever you are.  but i'm frustrated.  my dad is dying.  my sister is a whacko, i'm not happy.  i need to be able share with the one person i share everything in my heart with.  but his fraternity is more important than me weeping so much my eyes are nearly swollen shut.  and that quite possibly hurts almost as much as the fact that my dad is dying. 

and i hate that he is the only person i can share my heart with.  i would much rather have a girlfriend, who actually lives in nashville and not 400 miles away that i can tell everything to.  deana has 2.  i have none.  i have people in my life who care, and who i can talk to.  but no one like him.  it's not fair.  i'm so hurt.  about so many things.

but i keep going.  keep praying.  keep looking and working and walking toward that goal God has given me.  He has a plan.  it's bigger and better than my bff, bigger and better than my dad and my sister.  and bigger and better than where i am now.  i keep going.  i cry and weep and scream.  but i keep going.  i'm not gonna stop, no matter how much i want to.  i keep going.